How am I?

The purpose of this post is mostly therapy. So, feel free not to read it if you can't handle complaining. But, if you do read it, I would love any encouraging words you have to offer as I'm kind of in need of a lift.

I really hate when people use their blogs as a way to trick everyone into thinking that their lives are perfect. As if having other people think you have a better life than they, actually makes it true. To prove that's not what I'm about...

I'm having a miserable week. Dillon and I got home from Utah last Wednesday night. I was excited to see my friends and get out of the house. But, Dillon got croup/bronchiolitis/whatever-it-is...again. I missed half of General Conference (a series of biannual church meetings) because Dillon had to go to the pediatrician. I keep getting stuck with another pediatrician in the practice because we are last minute/weekend patients. She thinks I am an unfit mother because I didn't take Dillon to the Emergency Department before I came to her last time, and since I did the same thing this time. Last time, being a mother, I was trying not to overreact. This time, I knew he needed albuterol and a steroid, since that is all they did for him when we went the the ED before. She called me 4 times over the weekend to make sure I was being smart about if he needed to be hospitalized. Gee, I was just thinking that since the one thing that seems to calm his breathing is sleep, I would treat him at home where he could get some, instead of taking him to a hospital where he would sit bored and tired for hours, getting more and more worked up and less and less oxygen. But, what do I know? I am just his mother.

By the end of the month, we will have co-payed equivalent to our out of pocket costs for private insurance. And that doesn't take into account the hospital visit, the cost of which I don't know, but shudder to consider.

Dillon's breathing is much better, but he is in some sort of residual funk. He is starving all the time, but won't eat more than a few bites of anything, and can't seem to get full. He is drinking WAY too much, and I am concerned there may be something wrong with him to make him over-hydrate like this. Yesterday, he, not just cried, but screamed, for 5-6 hours. He was only awake for 9. If you've met Dillon, you know he's not just a brat. He's been uncomfortably constipated for several days, which makes the eating situation even more distressing for me. I want to give him what I know he will eat (milk, yogurt, cottage cheese, and mozzarella cheese) but know that too much dairy may constipate him worse. Since it was apparent there was nothing I could do for him, and since all I wanted to do was yell at him, or run away from home, I slammed myself into my room and turned up the music as loud as I could stand it. He climbed up and down the stairs of our three level house 2-3 times looking for me. Then he gave up the search, but not the screaming, and stood in the middle of the second floor. Just stood there, screaming, until I felt I was ready to emerge. This definitely made me feel like a better mother. Definitely.

On top of all this, I am terribly lonely. Mark has been incredibly busy. I haven't seen anyone and I can't see anyone, because everyone has a child that could contract whatever Dillon has. And since we don't really know what he has, we don't really know for how long he is contagious. After three weeks in Ohio, home briefly with a sick Dillon, then a week in Utah, then home again with a sick Dillon, I've been pretty out of the loop. I couldn't even go to church on Sunday, because it was General Conference. I sit at home all day imagining everyone getting together and having fun without me. It's very depressing and pathetic, and kind of makes me hate myself.

So, there you go. If you thought my life was perfect, now you know the truth.

Then again, I had a moment today when I remembered how much worse things could be. Dillon was snuggled up with me before his nap and I sang him this song:

Train whistle blowing,
Makes a sleepy noise;
Underneath their blankets
Go all the girls and boys.
Rocking, rolling, riding,
Out along the bay,
All bound for Morningtown,
Many miles away.

Dillon's at the engine,
Mommy rings the bell,
Daddy swings the lantern
To show that all is well.

Maybe it is raining
Where our train will ride;
All the little travelers
Are warm and snug inside.

Somewhere there is sunshine,
Somewhere there is day,
Somewhere there is Morningtown,
Many miles away.

The metaphor of the song changed and it became a lullaby for Mommy, reminding me that there is sunshine and day, and though it may be quite a rocking, rolling ride, I will reach my Morningtown. I also remembered to be grateful that we have a home, we have the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, our Dillon has a Mommy and a Daddy, and we have him. That is really all that matters. Everything else is just stuff.